Definitions we will need for this article
Gaslighting:
“Gaslighting is a malicious and hidden form of mental and emotional abuse (link is external), designed to plant seeds of self-doubt and alter your perception of reality. Like all abuse, it’s based on the need for power, control, or concealment.”
- Perpetrator often acts concerned, and kind to dispel suspicions
- Play victim, when challenged or questioned
- The manipulator is often a narcissist, addict, or sociopath
- Persistent lying
- Uses information in halves or pieces and embellishes the truth (My friend sent me a message about this last night- It was really them. People wrote me because they were afraid- When in fact again it was the gas lighter stalking you, your Facebook, social media. They will use pretend fact to give them excuse to evaluate you, but when caught looking will CLAIM you stalk them! They use the old turn around info on you, a very old manipulation tool to feign fake control over a situation)
Sociopath:
“The DSM-5 states that the essential feature is their willingness to “disregard [or violate] the rights of others.” The DSM-5 defines antisocial personality disorder as “[a] pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others, occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by three (or more) of the following:
- Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors, as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest.
- Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure.
- Impulsivity or failure to plan.
- Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults.
- Reckless disregard for safety of self or others.
- Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations.
- Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.”
Narcissist:
“A narcissist, by definition, is someone with a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy, whose symptoms begin in early adulthood.”
- They have an exaggerated sense of self-importance
- They believe they are special
- They require excessive admiration
- They have a sense of entitlement
- They lack empathy
- They are envious of others, and believe others are envious of them
- They behave in an arrogant or haughty manner
- They are preoccupied with fantasies of success and the perfect mate
- They take advantage of others
Emotional Predators:
“The victims of emotional predators are generally characterized by their kindness, honesty, generosity, optimism, and spiritual strength. They are the people who show qualities that emotional predators want and envy, characteristics that they don’t actually have.”
- They are entitled
- They fake emotion
- They must be in control
- They can not empathize
- They are personable
- They act as a victim
- They are never wrong
- They have low self worth
It wasn’t until recently that I needed to start to investigate this phenomenon. It came from a few things in my life, the fun of dating in todays time’s and of course my experiences on an online chat venue.
(Thank you Asmodeus for really setting my curious mind on this very grave situation, and the type of people that Personality Disorder Predators are.)
I want to share with all of you out there some very difficult signs to watch for, and some tips to move on. Its very important to stay safe on venues online, and of course in reality. Remember this very important rule below:
DO NOT SHARE your reality on boards online. Your husband, wife, partners, kids, and the like do NOT need to be part of your personal profiles. You have absolutely nothing to prove. Do not allow bullies to push you to “prove” your validity. Your personal friends earn your trust, earn the right to be part of your real life. Always think critically, not emotionally. If you are in adult areas, minors do not need to be posted. You open yourself to creeps skunking those pictures and whatever else they do. Kids sadly have no control over their environment, we are their stewards. Its not about us, its about the protection of them, what is best for them. SO, in your zeal to be transparent, don’t put minors in adult areas. You open yourself to issues.
Let’s talk about Predators.
- Their kicks are found in emotional currency
- Vulnerability, Authenticity, Secrets, Information, Disagreements with others. (When they get you to open to them, they assess and look for weak spots. Be careful they are meticulous, and often keep files of your conversations, and pictures.)
- They seem wonderful, able, listening. The point is to get as much out of their targets as possible. In fact, it is almost over done. Your gut is tingling, but you ignore it, thinking this person is sincere.
- They woo people with their seemingly down to earth matter of fact, call it as they see it manner.
- They seem genuine
- The lure is that feeling of being in the inner circle of trust, making you feel important, and special.
- They will open, share challenges they too have had with the same issues you speak on, they absolutely expect the same emotionally currency in return.
The predator wants and needs for control. They need to manipulate and find covert ways to maintain you. There are several ways to do this. Excessive contact is one of the markers they use. Many folks don’t even realize that the contact is excessive. You can become dependant on their praise, especially if you are working through an alternative lifestyle. Text messages, voicemails, calls, and emails on an hourly basis in the early start of a relationship is simply not normal. This is a flag. It is simply not normal for someone to be in contact with you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. No one has the time for this type of unwarranted attachment.
The predator uses this kind of contact to check in on you and see what you are up to. They want to hook you. They want to use emotional blackmail, emotional currency to put you on a pedestal, and the payment is mirroring that same emotion back to them, immediately. Remember if you are familiar with narcissist behavior there is a cycle they work through.
- Idealization
- Devaluation
- Discard
A predator does not understand healthy boundaries. Their responses to rejection or boundaries in your relationship are usually considerable upset if you do not respond to them immediately. They won’t wait for your responses and will persist and pursue you with an unhealthy amount of attention. These predators reveal a sense of entitlement to your time and presence without regarding your own personal preference. Sadly, these predators step over boundaries. They will continue to pester, despite knowing you said no. A person like this does not respect your right to make your own choices based on your own values.
Of course, this overstepping often leads to physical aggression. It may not come out for months in the relationship, but it will present. Grabbing you to harshly, pushing you, violating your personal boundaries in anyway, pressuring you for sex, touching you without your consent, are all signs things will only get worse in the future. I remember a story about a guy who punched a woman he was involved with in the face. I can’t remember if he broke her nose, but he did damage her face badly. Because this couple were part of an alternative lifestyle he used his manipulation tools to state he had every right to discipline his property. My thoughts on this matter were very simple; What kind of man, who claims he is a leader, a man who mastered himself, doing punching a woman in the face? Later the woman had to have the local police come in to remove him. He threw himself in front of her truck to pretend she hurt him, he had numerous criminal issues, and last his 19 children were never cared or looked after by his hand. How many wives or girl friends that allowed this predator into their homes had to pay the ultimate price of raising minors on their own. He had no remorse, none. Remember the predator usually blames the victim for making him hit or making him loose his temper. It is never his fault, never his problem.
The predator mistreats others. Even while praising you and putting you above on your pedestal his or her behavior towards others is certainly a red flag. He or she gets excessively angry if another person talks, or flirts with you. They call all their ex’s psychopaths and use expletives about their annoying coworkers. They have toxic temper issues, and rarely have a solid group of friends, or family around them. Its everyone else’s fault, and really pay attention to his antisocial behavior. He has no friends, no family, no foundation. Most likely has a criminal record or has run into trouble with the law.
The predator recreates events, and stories. While the events happened the details the predator reveals are a skewed version and mixed together with grandiose tales that make others listening fear folks they are speaking about. Its excessive, over and over. They report, and consistently attack folks using these recreated stories. It is the only way they can take back control, preserve their self image and ego. Often their version makes them look superior, or saintly and they evoke fear. This manipulative tool intimidates others into doing what the predator wants.
Folks take back your life from these predators. The last thing they want for you is that you live a healthy, full life. This is your answer and solution. Your best defense against folks of these natures is to live your life, don’t look back at them when you break away ever and be healthy.
IF YOU CONTINUE TO STRUGGLE GET HELP within your community, be it a councillor, or social help. Get Help gang. You don’t deserve to be alone in this.
TIPS AND TOOLS
- 90% rule – Their BEHAVIOR
- Stay focused on their behavior, ignore their words
- Pay attention to extreme behavior
- Ask yourself, Would I ever do that?
- Predators cover up their behavior with I was tired, under stress, She/he made me do it
- They are always blameless, and rarely apologize
- Get a strong support system in place
- Seek counselling to deal with the predator if you can
- You can’t change someone
- Remain defiant
- A gas lighter, predator will never see your points, or accept responsibility
- Let go of the wish for things to be different
- Develop healthy detachment
- Don’t try to be friends, Clean break
- Allow yourself to be treated how you deserve to be treated
- Take back control in your life
- Use it as a learning experience
Here are the links, and quotes I used in various parts of my article.
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/beware-of-the-emotional-predator-dg/
https://selfcarehaven.wordpress.com/2014/08/29/dating-emotional-predators-signs-to-look-out-for/
https://steptohealth.com/emotional-predators-avoid/
All rights reserved, Copyright NG 2018
If you want to use my work on a website, or otherwise please ask me, I am a writer and expect the courtesy of granting permission to those who ask me. Do not steal my work
As usual, absolutely vital and correct information. Predators survive on other peoples silence. If everyone spoke out, these predators would not be able to survive.
‘Actions’ that do NOT match the ‘words’ – another common indicator.
Promises of marriage, or kids. living some kind of ‘Swiss family Robinson’ existence in a fairy tale relationship – that then never actually materialises should be a huge ‘RED FLAG’.
Attempts to isolate you from others – ‘RED FLAG’.
Attempts to belittle or ridicule you – ‘RED FLAG’.
Thanks for another excellent post my friend. Having worked with predators and abusers in the past, I cannot emphasise enough the damage these personality disordered people cause.
After having dealt with a predator in the past, when he began ‘stalking’ his victim, it amazed me how those with zero understanding of psychopathy claimed it was perfectly acceptable for the abuser to turn up at events his victim was attending.
Yeah, a real ‘hero’, no? Happily, he made the mistake of coming out from behind his keyboard – at which point others soon saw he was nothing like he claimed to be. The stalking soon stopped after that!